Heart & Soul

...

2005-12-18T02:04:03Z

All the doors are locked and there are no keys.
No way out of this sadness.
No way back to the light.
There never truly was.

au revoir

nse1 @ 2005-12-09T16:06:00

2005-12-09T16:01:40Z

Writing here is doing me more harm than good, makes me think of things I don't want to think of too much. So fuck it, no more thinking.

I was going to post something cheery

2005-12-06T23:43:30Z

but I won't ruin a trend.

nse1 @ 2005-12-04T22:19:00

2005-12-04T22:14:49Z

Emotions can never be truly expressed with words; the unspoken language of feelings is more complex and eloquent than the greatest composition of syntax.

"It'll be lonely this christmas...." we all know the rest.

Every Action has an equal and opposite Reaction

2005-12-04T22:13:23Z

This always makes me think of the butterfly analogy; A butterfly flaps its wings and somewhere there is an earthquake. It encompasses much to do with consequence, cause and effect, and yet the analogy itself is more intriguing. The butterfly, a metaphor for beauty, flaps its wings and somewhere there is destruction. Terrible Beauty, destructive beauty, phrases that have been known to man since time began. Helen of Troy becoming one of the main archetypes of the description. A war, destruction of the highest order, caused by the beauty of one woman. Obviously this is pure myth and legend, the true cause of the trojan war was envy and greed. The helen and Paris story makes for far better reading though. Though if I carry on with that then this is going to turn into an essay on Ancient Greece and I've written enough of them before.
The true Moral of the myth, however, is important for it applies to everyone that has ever been in love. "Love Conquers all" I guess that is true, in most respects, in others not so true but more on that later. But to be in love is to want those feelings, that person, more than anything...even if it means risking a war. Love, the most selfish emotion. The things we would do for love surpass reason and common sense, perhaps if love was slightly more reasoned then everything would be easier.
As I said, there are some things that love cannot conquer. Love does not always conquer fear, well at least when you are in love yet without it. Unrequited love is as weak as a straw wall; fear overcomes it, hurt breaks holes in it, cracks appear and doubts form. Eventually the siege against the heart is won by the clarity of the mind (if you manage to get clarity that is). At first, when you feel love, the heart and mind act in unison, yet while the head soon realises the futility of that feeling the heart does not follow. Despite all the attacks of the mind, the heart goes on but it cnnot hold out forever. Gradually the mind wins the battle and the love that was there, "pure and chaste from afar", begins to slip away.
Dazed and misunderstood, the body recovers from the internal struggle between the biological superpowers, but it is not the same. Change has come, the willingness to fight, the confidence to speak of love, crushed, battered and bruised. And then you find that love is still there, but it is scared to emerge for fear of destruction. le grande sigh.

"La Tristessa Durera, Scream to a Sigh"

I am....

2005-12-04T21:59:03Z

I am the eternal dreamer,
Disenchantment is my noose,
Bound to self disappointment,
For dreams don't equal Truth.

I am the eternal dreamer,
Lost in a world of my own,
Thought my escape from the real,
Thoughts that leave me alone.

I am the eternal dreamer,
Now the dreams are all I have,
Never real but in my head,
Dreams of long gone love.

December

2005-12-01T15:01:39Z

November has gone, hardly noticed at all. Now its nearly the end of the year...one of the worst times. Every year is the same, I end up reflecting on things that have happened, not regretting, just spending too much time thinking of. I say to myself every year that I won't be the same in a years time, but eventually, despite deviating from the path of fate throughout the year, I return to the course that is destined for me....Whatever that is.
So, am I different from the me that was sitting here a year ago typing similar words? Probably, everything changes. But how can I see the change if I do not really know who I was to begin with? Self Evaluation is difficult at the best of times and I prefer not to judge myself, for I'd only be too harsh. Yes, I have changed but I cannot define those changes, I can only feel them.
This is turning into a ramble (thats one thing that never changes) so I'd better stop before I lose track of what I was saying in the first place...which was.......dammit....oh no, it was:

Change is inevitable, whether for good or bad it is the change that dictates who you are. Perhaps some changes leave you hurt, but the recovery from pain leaves you stronger and the next hint of joy ever more beautiful. Perhaps some changes left you somewhere you did not want to be. But is it not better to know where you do not want to be so that you can find where you do. Perhaps....just some thoughts nevertheless.

Its later,

2005-12-01T01:06:31Z

Can't sleep so instead I'm going to smoke the rest of the cigarettes in my packet and drink the last half of a bottle of JD. Today has been one hell of a strange day..emotionally at least. woke up feeling miserable, cheered up as I walked to the shop, became contemplative and thoughtful and once again sad again. Well not sad...just...I don't know, emotions can never truly be explained with words;

"I've never heard machines speak of love"
"Love is but a word"

Karma...it is to say that we are all here to do what we are meant to do. Fate, think thats where I started this morning, thinking about fate. The path ahead is rarely known, the choices yet to make still unmade...or perhaps made yet not understood to get matrixy again. So Fate, what have you got for me? I'm all yours now.

A puzzle:

###Doc Jim and the police were investigating a drug smuggler who was staying at a local hotel. Unfortunately, when they arrived, the suspect, Smugglin' Sam, had already left. Luckily for them, he had left a list of the places where he was staying.

"According to his list," began the Captain, "he will be in Paris for two weeks, then Naples, then Athens, London, Palestine, and finally Moscow. He sure knows how to disguise himself. His girlfriend said he just recently bought a ten-gallon hat! Well, tonight I'll have my men fly out to France to get him. We'll search every hotel there, but we'll find him."

"Unfortunately," said Doc, "Your men will be flying in the wrong direction to catch ol' Sam."

Where in the world was Sam hiding?###

le sigh

2005-11-30T14:42:16Z

"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart"

I'm in a contemplating mood, thinking is never good for you though. Thought is the destruction of the soul. Sounds good enough, need a bit of soul destruction. Could help remove the bits that linger in my heart that I Don't want anymore. Forget that, without the pain how would I know the good; A thing I've said in many different ways and something I firmly believe, Without the Darkness there would be no Light, A star cannot shine without the night sky behind it etc.

"So wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully Pretty, you know that I'd do anything for you"

Thought...christ, I'm sounding depressed. I'm not, I'm not anything really, happy, sad...no, I'm more pfft or Blah at the moment. Anyways time to kill a few braincells with a chain smoking, coffee drinking, jack daniels swigging session.

I just want to fly up high,
to somewhere far away
I just wish my wings would try,
to find the right way.
But my wings are broken,
I'll never fly again.
I'll never reach the sun
before I reach the end.

(now thats a sign of my mind, crappy poetry...must be in thoughtful mood)

"Everywhere I see Bliss from which I am Irrevocably Excluded"

2005-11-30T13:28:23Z

I've read that quote so many times its as if it is now part of me. Though I guess it was part of me before I even knew of it's existence.
There are times when you look around and ask yourself what do you have? and What do you want? It is these times that show you the complete disparity between reality and desire. Just once I wish Desire would equal reality, maybe for a fleeting second, maybe for a few moments, but anything would be good.
I love winter for the sheer freshness it brings, a different perspective gained through frozen fingers and frosty nights. But this winter has not been a happy one so far, it does not look like it will become a happy one either. Spring will come, maybe then I may find new hope again...maybe not. Solitude Sometimes Is...

Winter

2005-11-21T21:41:08Z

Yay, Winter rocks. Fog #, snow, ......argh laptop battery dead....wait here!

Lost for words

2005-08-30T23:24:24Z

I'll let another poet say the things I mean...

You're so fragile tonight
Been up hurting all night
It's not trivial like they think
Yes you're desperate and hurt
Thought about it so many times
Too afraid to open your eyes
To see the sadness that's inside
Just sit back in and stop time

You're tender and you're tired
You can't be bothered to decide
Whether you live or die
Or just forget about your life

But it's too late to be real
No time to be strong enough
Just time to leave it all behind
Memory has become pain
Rebuild the void with flowers
Sad eye destruction built around sand and sea
Yes you can build yourself around
Build yourself around me

You're tender and you're tired
You can't be bothered to decide
Whether you live or doe
Or just forget about your life

Drift away and die
Never say goodbye
Drift away and die

///

Drift away and die? Never Say Goodbye? I'm not strong enough...

nse1 @ 2005-08-18T23:54:00

2005-08-18T22:56:39Z

I try to make things better
I only make them worse
Maybe I'm just stupid
Maybe I am cursed
I try to speak my feelings
Try to let you know
that no matter what
I'll still love you so
I try to say I'm happy
Even though I'm sad
I try to stop the pain
with thoughts of what we had
But never can I say
that without you I am whole
For alone I am empty
My hearts a gaping hole.
I say things at the wrong time,
I say things I wish I didn't
Stupid, foolish or cursed
I only help love wither.

nse1 @ 2004-12-16T13:02:00

2004-12-16T13:11:20Z

I work too much....far too much.
After christmas I've really got to start saying 'No' when I am asked to cover extra shifts. It's not fair on me and its not fair on K. that I am working all the time and we never get to do anything. But then again I will be leaving this crappy job again soon....I need a day job, not necessarily 9-5 but anything is better than this.

nse1 @ 2004-10-15T01:50:00

2004-10-15T00:38:41Z

Love is a Spiral,
It Twists and Turns,
But it never ends.
It winds down to a limitless point,
Expands beyond infinity,
But it never ends

nse1 @ 2004-10-15T01:43:00

2004-10-15T00:37:10Z

I've resigned to my fate. I took a long walk home, through the rain and the cold and visted some of the places where I have such happy memories of her. I shed a few tears but I realised that nothing lasts forever, we must take each fleeting moment of happiness and keep it inside before it passes. I wish the moment had been eternal but wishes rarely come true.
And so I have finally accepted where I am. Happy memories may be all I have, but they are worth more to me than anything else.

I was selfish to think I could keep her happy forever, and now I move on. Though i still hurt inside I wish her all the happiness in the world with whoever she needs.

Perspective, thats all I needed. I am not important in the grand scheme of things, she is.

I still hope though it kills me inside....I love her.

nse1 @ 2004-10-09T01:19:00

2004-10-09T00:11:13Z

Haven't made an entry for a while, the reasons? Who knows?

The misery gets worse every day. Its been over a month, I think, since it happened and yet I still get moments of utter sadness. Today made it worse for reasons I won't say.
For a long time, I didn't think I was in love, but then, I realised that I had so many feelings for her that I never told her. I denied them to myself and I denied her the comfort of knowing how much I loved her. Fear, I guess. I constantly fear hurting people, I know this may seem odd but I feared telling her my feelings because of that. How would it hurt her? I don't know, Feelings have no logic to them.

I should move on, I should stop the tears, I should just forget. But I can't, I still hang on to the ever fading glimmer of hope that she will re-discover her feelings for me. Foolish perhaps, but oh well.

nse1 @ 2004-05-23T15:07:00

2004-05-23T14:03:06Z

I stayed up last night till about 5 in the morning. First time I've done it for a very long time. I went outside, it was beautiful. The faint touch of the sun on the horizon, a tinge of light radiating into the sky, and above the stars brilliant in the dark sky of the twilight. This was my new dawn.

nse1 @ 2004-05-22T02:11:00

2004-05-22T01:03:54Z

I saw David Jason today. Which was nice.
I gave him a bloody mary, makes up for an incredibly shit week I guess, although it doesn't really.

nse1 @ 2004-05-16T14:42:00

2004-05-16T13:34:45Z

It's a beautiful day
The sun is shining
I feel good
And no-one's gonna stop me now, oh yeah

It's a beautiful day
I feel good, I feel right
And no-one, no-one's gonna stop me now
Mama

Sometimes I feel so sad, so sad, so bad
But no-one's gonna stop me now, no-one
It's hopeless - so hopeless to even try

nse1 @ 2004-05-09T00:07:00

2004-05-08T23:04:16Z

arrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was just sorting through my cds and I've lost loads of stuff. Worst of all my "1992 love album" and "Power corruption and lies" have gone missing. Bollocks, 1992 is impossible to buy anywhere but ebay and I don't trust that :/
Bugger it. Looks like a trip into london to find some small back alley record shops that might sell carter.

Rambling Thoughts

2004-05-07T13:43:03Z

To erase something electronic is so much easier than forgetting. If only our minds had a delete key and a recycle bin.
Hours are being wasted and I don't really notice, I could be somewhere else, i could be something else, perhaps I could even be someone completely different if I had used all those wasted hours. Perhaps.
But anyway, I'm off to waste another hour and I'll try to notice this one slipping past.

nse1 @ 2004-04-27T15:37:00

2004-04-27T14:30:47Z

42 by the way.

Coffee, mmmm nice.

nse1 @ 2004-03-11T13:20:00

2004-03-11T13:16:11Z

This is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall.

nse1 @ 2004-02-16T00:28:00

2004-02-16T00:26:10Z

Can you say sorry too much? Hmmm I dunno, things are good but what if I end up hurting her.....Things will just have to go the way they go and we shall see. But nevertheless its confusing.